dinner with david cobb and ken jones. THE haikuists and haibunists of britain.
i should have been overwhelmed- but i was not.
i should have been at my sparkling best- but i was not.
there is something about this country itself that overwhemls me. the people; the cultural contexts and the linguistic subtexts are alien to me; and conversatino with people i dont know scares the bloody hell out of me.
you feel judged. slid under a scanner and considered. like a piece of old haddock at the fishmarket. accepted- but nly just. not marginalised; but subtly patronised.
silence is the only defense.
this is not my land. these are not my people.
it is only living abroad that gives you this perspective. i was so bloody sure of myself back home; so damn secure in my place in the intelligentsia.
here i might as well be the ethiopian with little english and no grammar.
why; they ask; when i tell them that i hope to return home and work.
why not?
it is not a weakness; a refusal or an inability to adjust. coping and changing are different ball games altogether.
i can cope. i dont want to change.
even the rain is different. damn right.
its sucked all the creativity out of me. im too busy coping; adjusting to work; defeating the entire purpose of my being here.
work without hope draws nectar in a sieve.
but sieves by nature will sift it off. and all that will be left will be the dregs of my dreams; aspirations; hopes and all those other big and emotionally charged words.
life is not only about adjustment, change...surviving.
life is also meant for living, dammit.
fun in the sun and rain.
why cant you get that?
5 comments:
Hey Medz,
I so understand what u r goin thru right now. I wont say that i am in a different country but most things around me in Delhi r still alien to me. The culture n the ppl r so,so different, cant tell u. Well, at the end of the day, I am learning it the hard way, but am learning all right. So make the most of ur stay in London and grow from it. Tanima.
have already begun to do so and i think im no worse for the experience.
course its hard awright.
why; they ask;....why not?
...i feel that all the time...most people ask why when they "should" have placed a "why not" there... n' when they finally put a why not... we've got more than one reason for that...
i dont want to change
... n' we don't either... we're who we're... i totally agree when you say...copin is different than changin... i thought even reactin is somethin different than changin.
p.s.why cant you get that?
...i just now did!
good.
Powerful stuff! Keep it up buddy!
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