blog sabbatical. for personal stuff only. i will be available at wordpress- off and on.

this has been a curious week. on monday, i thought that nothing could possibly move at all, that work would be as dull as ever. i have not, i mut say, been proved wrong. it has been dull as ditchwater, seemingly everyone is fast asleep!

the week went on. i had an interview on tueday with a charming lady...and it has led to some fantastic results. excelt that i cant seem to convince anyone of them!

curiouser and curiouser, the days slipped by. i would be free all day, reading old sherock holmes ebooks and yawning openly, hiding my disgust...and of course this lassitude told on my sleep. well if you dont do a jot of work at day, youy cant sleep peacefully at night, yeah? of course, the reverse is true too, and extreme exhaustion can also rob one of the ZZZs one craves. still, thats not important now.

but it was the most disgusting day ever. i wrapped up 2 files....child's play..and then to my utter horror, i discovered the beginnigns of a zit on my lower lip. yes, actually on the line where lip joins skin.

it has been a ghastly day. i am most displeased...and as one of my characters would say


we are NOT amused.

quiet time

you. trapped in my mind.

i. trapped in yours.



(amin mela ille)

empty skin
smiles within

smiling skin
empty within

i wish i had the power to rip off the mask you wear, just for an instant and see you as you really are, not what you make yourself out to be or what i want you to be. the blood, the pain, the ghosts and shadows. the smiles, the scars. everything.

i wish i knew how you really felt. how you felt about me.

i guess it isnt really possible.
that doesnt stop me from wishing it.

This may very well be the song that sums up my life (and NOT lagi aaj sawan ki).

click here for the lyrics.

are friends expendable? for that matter, are people expendable?

no, this is nto a rant- never meant it to b one, no way no how. just is. true for me, true for at least a small section of our poor little generation lost. i have never had a friend who has kept by my side. no regrets, no loneliness, no schmaltz. it is, because it just is like that.
i'm no loner. nor do i move in a pack. while i'm comfortable with myself, i get tired of my silences sometimes. silences which are not uncomfortable, just as goddamn familiar as my skin- i have grown into them, and while they fit snugly, i long for change sometimes.
everyone has a busy life. so do i. i work hard on weekdays and try to sleep hard on weekends. insomnia and general disturbances aside. i'm lousy with remembering phone numbers or email addresses. i do not go out orkutting and IMing people.
my fault? perhaps- but theres always another side to the equation. a side tat forgets my birthdays [that really bugs me, i need TLC on that day considering how blue it makes me feel]. a side that never responds to my few surprise messages and phone calls.
a part of me has given up on human relationships- or at least friendships. nothing lasts, and thats part of nature, growth development and all that psychobabble-bullshit.
i called G the other day, someone who was like a sister/friend/mother/child when we were abroad. she sounded extremely annoyed to have heard of my existence (!) and couldnt let go early enough...pardon the english.
life is beautiful if you'l excuse the cliche. maybe i should enjoy whatever beaty i can drink in and whatever curveballs it flings- alone.
i dont have any companionship. maybe i dont relly need it. mybe i do. but ive trained myself to live without it.
i dont have any readers either. they come in hordes, oohand ah and disgst me...see my archives...remember my rediff usage? and then they go becasue i dont pander to their expectatinos of me.

how can i? i dont even pander to my own expectations of me.
making and losing out on people is too tiring. i cant make the effort anymore.

ergo a blog which no one reads...a mute spectator? a relic of a wasted life? something else?

i can't really bring myself to care.

you think you know me?

do you really?

words, my words, that's who i am, you think, you say, nd then you think you've read me like a book, unravelled all my texts,subtexts and contexts. think again, intrepid reader. you don't know me at all.

this is who i am- here i am, unclothed, spelling ot the truth. a truth which i dont blame you for not understanding, a truth that i denied all my life.

i am a writer. this is who i am, this is what i was born to be, meant to be, bred to be. fed on the nectar and ambrosia of books, tales, dreams and myths. faeries and elves and daemons that delve.

greys.

you think you KNOW me? think again!

if these words are what i am..here's a parting shot for you.

these words are nothing. zippo, zilchh.

they're like loose change lying unheeded on the pavement.

by putting a bar on your expectations you have successfully blocked me out from my thoughts.

no matter. it will end- it always does.