Juvenalia

“Why did Sherlock murder Bugs Bunny? “

“Objection, me lord!” Watson exploded. “Unless it is proved beyond the shadow of a doubt that the defendant, my client, was actually responsible for the death of the deceased, the question is not only out of bounds, but, but,” Watson floundered a bit, then added with a sudden burst of creativity, “but also absurd!”

Judge Porky Pig had had enough.

“I throw this case out of court!”

Yes, yes, well done, Watson, thought Holmes abstractedly. That was the way, keep em guessing and then confound them at the end. That was the way to do things. It wasn’t as if anyone really cared about what happened to a stupid rabbit anyway. All he used to do was munch carrots the whole day and bug people no end with his quintessential line- “What’s up, doc?”

Asinine question, what’s up. I mean it was so obvious, Watson. The sun, the moon, the stars, they were all UP, weren’t they? And if it irritated me, I know it must have been hell on you. I sympathize, Watson. Completely. Imagine him insulting your intelligence with that awful question, when all the reading public of the world knows that you’re a doctor, for Christ’s sake! M.D! Or was it M.B.B.S? What was it, Watson, old buddy, old friend, old pal? Well I can be forgiven for forgetting! I’m aging, slowly, but surely. Ripening like fine wine, maturing, but aging all the same. Yes, thanks, the morphia helped my gout.

That rabbit was a pest, was he not? Disgusting habit of spewing carrot slivers whenever he munched and talked simultaneously. And that was often enough! No table manners, obviously a finishing school dropout. Why he ruined my last Waterford crystal, totally jammed up the finish with desiccated carrot. I haven’t got all the bits out yet.

And that absurd question of his drove you crazy didn’t it? I know you retired long back, on my account. His question brought it all back didn’t it? The thrill of chase, the feint and counter feint of the pursuit. You missed it didn’t you? And his questions only made things worse. Reminded you of what you and I couldn’t do. Reminded you of all the roaring good times we used to have. You, me and old Basks.

Now don’t tell me your memory’s failing. You remember Basks don’t you? Why how could you forget your old best friend? The hound of the Baskervilles? For shame, old chap. Stiff uppers, let not anyone see you cry. Be a man, by Jove!

Ah leaving so soon? I know you’ll be hungry. You had a hard couple of hours, Watson. Join me at Baker Street. We’ll have a nice time of it. You, me and Morphia. Oh, can’t stir a step without it now. Old Hudson made some stew yesterday. Good stew it was too. I know you’ll enjoy it.

Oh yes, it has parsnips. And potatoes, onions, leeks and meat. What’s a stew without meat, old chap? It’s just a little stew with a bit of everything in it.

Oh no, not lamb. I’m allergic to it remember? It’s rabbit stew. Very good too, I must say.