conished priory; ulverston; cumbria and me

i do not believe in god. this is a fact that must be clearly understood. i do not believe in god, fate or anything of the sort. i do not believe in rebirth or karma. i simply believe in cause and effect.

why then was i daft enough to go to a buddhist meditation centre for the long weekend, spending ten odd hours on the road either way in the freezing snows of english winter?

it was a quest of sorts- my own search for a holy grail of sorts. i want answers.

i was not an agnostic before! oh yeah i had as much blind faith as any average brainwashed (unthinking if you like) mortal.

then i started to ask questions. which remained unanswered.

it was a long and painful process. stripping myself of my values and beliefs felt like stripping my skin off; and i wasnt moulting...in ways i'm still raw.

i would like answers that satisfy me. i would like to believe. how often have i wished that i could just fuckin believe!

but it doesnt happen any more.

two years back, my then 17 yr old nephew laughted at me for my long discourses on the bhavgvat gita and faith with his grandmum...

how are thou fallen, o caffeineaddict!

i feared sin. i feared hell. i feared the unknown, i suppose; i feared for my immortal soul.

i dont think i have a soul.

reading paradise lost nearly killed me.

or not.

no one could satisfy me.

not meditation. it brought back troubled memories i'd blocked out for years.

the blind faith of most people infuriated me.

yeah on the surface it was very civilised; lovely really. a gothic priory with vaulted ceilings and stained glass and wood with a silky patina. morecambe bay with shingles and snow. the fells.

but an unquiet mind...

unquiet mind
never at peace.