How art thou fallen, O CaffeineAddict!
It is amazing really, how fast someone can change. Especially when we take into account that several people hardly change much in the whole course of their lives.
A few salient points of change I have noticed-
Life/ future- somehow, I have lost the ability to think beyond the present. An amorphous present, a hazy tomorrow, that is all we have. All that I have. And I have no desire to even think beyond today.
Faith- it has withered away. Sure, there may be powers and cosmic energies, but I leave them for others to discover and revere. I do not doubt or believe. I simply do not care anymore. Faith doesn’t move mountains after all.
Death- my death wish revisited? No, I do not desire death anymore. I don’t think I was ever scared of death. I am not curious about it anymore. I just don’t want it to be a painful one.
Children- was there ever a time when I didn’t want a bunch of them for my own? And now, they are creatures from some alien dimension. I have come to terms with the fact that I may never have any of my own. And this has palled my enjoyment of other people’s children.
Marriage- permanence, hah. When I do not desire anything beyond the morrow, how can I ever exert myself enough to think of something as permanent as marriage? Besides, the more I see of the matrimonial state, the less I like the people who enter into it. Maybe fidelity and monogamy are fictitious traits in people.
Society- if man is a social creature, then I am a deviant. I find I can bear solitude very complacently. Most of the people I come across bore me insufferably.
Writing- perhaps losing its charm. No, not charm. It doesn’t help to express violent emotion anymore. Some things are better left inside a rotted brain, festering and unsaid. Confidences are better left unsaid.
Parents- idols with feet of clay. And their children (like me) unnatural and ungrateful offspring.
I am well aware that these are not enviable changes, or patterns of thinking. I do not claim to be an exceptionally good person either. I might be an indolent, self-seeking person and a lousy daughter –sister- friend- girlfriend, but this is me.
This is me, now.
6 comments:
You ARE the best...no matter how you might see yourself :)
L~
hmm thats what ive been crying since the day i started to blog sory write..gud somebdy does appreciate/intricately has studied the patterns of change...don even consider society ..cos it dosen exist its jus a idea/concept..at micro level its made up of bunch of other nincomps affected by the same change.."self acclaims" cannot be argued about but the stuff bout writing..i feel u still can say and strongly express those stuff uve been imbibing for long..u r blessed with that..when i can play and hide my message with that..u can do wonders.. :)
..To the change
Remember your life is your own.people will come people will go.What will remain is you.Shape your life how u think is best.
cheers
why L~, that is high praise indeed, coming from you! however, I do not want to be the best...just the best I can be. And sadly enough, or we,, not so sadly enugh, I'm not doing that. It is a small dissatisfaction though- maybe my indolence doesnt permit it as of now.
@ - yes, to the change indeed. like i said, change is the only constant. cheerz.
ah, the luxury of today's angsters! Like the good Basho said... eat when hungry. sleep when sleepy. and stop carrying the dead monkey around.
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