je regrette

people say i have an okay life. i have an okay job, live moderately enough- so they think, i dont smoke, i rarely drink and i dont sleep with arbit strangers.

whats okay?

i live a semblance of a life. a closet dreamer, trying desperately to be pragmatic.
a shopaholic with a problem. i need to learn not to spend.
i'm in over my head with debt.

my job's all right, but the pay isn't so great. and this city, in a word, sucks.

somany regrets in such a short lfie...what did i ever get right?

i went abroad....scraped out adegree. passed. left thecountry and returned home. got a job after a while.
in a city i'll never learn to like.

i regret coming back- not even trying to struggle there.
iregret exceeding my income...so very often....

i regret having left home. why couldnt i just live with my mum?

i regret being spineless..with no will to do anything. no sense to stop ymself from falling into folly.

impotent anger bt with no desire to change myself.

stuck with a man who fears committment...even after 2 odd years. who doesnt even try...who hurts me almost all the time.

impotent desire.
languid denial.

i wish i knew the differnece between to have and to hold.

to let go.

to have peace.

to forget innisfree, and live in this world

with all her squalor, splendor and slime.

her sordid truths.


i want to live...i want to not be me...selfish little bitsch that i am.

i want to get out of this insane relationship while i can.

someone who hurts me so badly now will neer do better in the future.

i want to quit my job.

i want to go home.

and i want to pay off my debts so that i can....

go home.